不順心的東西接二連三…我透不過氣了。好累，好累。感覺到巨大的壓力，卻手足無措，不知道該如何是好。很想有個人能分擔，到頭來只能把臉埋進枕頭裡，自己沮喪。我知道我的問題確實微不足道，但在這一刻，我真的好壓力，好累，好想有個依靠，不想堅強，不要想。也許真的是我想多了，但只要一天還不知道結果，只要未來的路還未知怎走，我又要以什麼心態解釋自己是多心了？我做不到，真的做不到。說我小心眼也好，說我懦弱也罷。其實我從來都不怎覺得自己很堅強，只是被逼獨立而已。如今才能真正知道，自己是弱的。我害怕，害怕看不見的未來，害怕錯過，害怕後悔，害怕孤單。
寫著寫著，思路都亂了，都不知道我在寫啥。我只知道，此刻的我，完全開心不起來。
The past week really sucked. I really thought I’ll crash by the time today came. Lab report due on Tuesday, 5.5hour lab on Tuesday too, a test on Thursday (which I mucked up), 2 CIPs on Saturday (eventually didn’t go for 1, 😦 ).
And on top of it all, I think I received one of the nastiest messages in my life. I really don’t want to elaborate on it because I don’t think it appropriate, but let me be the judge when I say I didn’t deserve it. It really upset me as I was rushing out my lab report and studying for my test. I was already under enough stress and I really didn’t need to see such a nasty work of art.
It made me realise that I still have a way too simplistic view of life and reality. Or perhaps, not simplistic, but optimistic. I really want to believe in the good of everyone, and I want to believe that humanity is pure and kind, but when things like that happen, I can’t. I can’t force myself to look away from the obvious and ignore it. I’ve been brought up in a system of logic. I’ve been taught to think with logic and objectivity. And when the facts are in my face, I simply can’t remain optimistic anymore.
My feelings and dreams are my only driving forces. They are the things that led me to what I’m doing. I stayed in netball, because I loved it with a burning passion, and I still do, but circumstances have forced me to somewhat let it rest. I’m in Stage because I love theatre and I want to satisfy a curiosity. I’m studying hard because I believe in knowledge and I want to. I’m doing voluntary work because I believe in helping people. And I believe in my capacity as just one insignificant person, to be able to just help one other.
I’ve persevered through things I thought I would never survive, because I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel, cliché as it sounds. All because I believe in it paying off. Don’t take my dreams away from me. Don’t take my hopes away. Don’t make me stop believing in these things I believe in. Don’t.
Putting off writing the remainder of my travel log because procrastination is my middle name, and lazy is my last. Kidding.
Tomorrow will mark exactly 3 months of work in the company I’m a temp at. It’s been a pretty different experience, and to be perfectly honest, something I never expected.
My impression of work and the working world is like fast-paced, serious, pressurising and structured.
I was half right and half wrong. Fast-paced, yes. But there are times where colleagues can just wind down and take things in their stride. It makes work feels less fast-paced, even though the speed at which you’re working doesn’t change.
Serious, well, yes. Sometimes not. It’s like school. There are appropriate times to joke around and other times, you sure as heck do not. I’m still finding my way.
Pressurising, heck yes!! Initially, I thought as a temp, I wouldn’t be feeling much pressure and nothing can beat the stress of examinations. I’m right in the sense that nothing has overtaken academic stress, but the pressure of meeting deadlines is real and for a period of time when I was still trying to get into the groove of procedures and clear some of the backlot that I had accumulated when I was unfamiliar, I just saw work piling up faster than I could blink. That was just pure craziness that I don’t really want to experience for the rest of my tenure – and that’s why efficiency is my top most priority from now on.
As for structured, yes and no. Of course there’s a company structure and SOP you’ll have to follow but it isn’t half as regimental as school, and the freedom that I experience in contrast to school is something I embrace. I have the autonomy to decide how I want to go about doing a certain thing, and how I want to prioritise the things I’ve to complete.
All in all, pretty glad I’m not wasting my time post-As slacking at home and doing nothing. Getting my ass out to the corporate world is really eye-opening.
And for the record, I really do not like working in the F&B industry. At least, not the on-the-ground aspects.
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