#113: Away from Home

Beginning of this year, prior to stepping on the plane to Hong Kong, I was full of excitement, full of anticipation. I was looking forward to a good time in Hong Kong, albeit prepared to still study because of Hong Kong’s reputation in education. But I was still pretty sure I would have a good time. Because, hey, it’s pass/fail. And I’m on foreign land, which meant explorations were in place.

Fast forward 3 months later, I’m drained. On its own, the school work is not too bad – as long as I learn not to use the same yardsticks as the ones at home to measure my abilities, since it’s pass/fail basis here, and studying isn’t my topmost priority. I’ve lab on four Saturdays, which honestly was quite a dumb choice, but it’s not as if I was left with any at the point of choosing my courses. The experience here has honestly been very draining ironically because of the people I’m supposed to be most comfortable with. I think my introverted nature is feeling the pressure, because I’m struggling to find release here. So much has happened and so many things have changed since our first month here, I’m still left wondering what in the world led to all these outcomes.

That’s why I’m glad to have found the netball club here at HKU. Their club training is a great social activity – nothing too competitive, and even an opportunity to join the mixed league here. Even though I’ll be paying for the whole experience despite only getting to experience half, I think it’s worth the buck. It will allow me to interact more with the full-time students here, and I once again, believe that sports is really one of the best ways to bring people together. At least, on court, I’m able to forget everything that’s happening and forget about all my worries, and just focus on having a good time.

I’ve booked my flight home and honestly can’t wait to be back with my family. My mum’s coming next week, which is a great reprieve for me, and I’m really looking forward to it. Hong Kong is actually not bad a place to be in, and the food and shopping has more or less been to my tastes. It’s just a series of unfortunate events and general friction that has led to things being rougher than expected. And honestly, it takes more than just being courteous and polite for so many people to coexist in a small environment for a period of a few months. The honeymoon period passes, stress from various areas come in, and poof, you get a full out explosion.

Thinking back, a lot of it has been really dumb, but there’s nothing I can do to reverse it now. I feel quite helpless in certain situations and I have come to the point where I just can’t be bothered to be nice. Being nice is tiring when all you want to do is snap at someone.

#110

不順心的東西接二連三…我透不過氣了。好累，好累。感覺到巨大的壓力，卻手足無措，不知道該如何是好。很想有個人能分擔，到頭來只能把臉埋進枕頭裡，自己沮喪。我知道我的問題確實微不足道，但在這一刻，我真的好壓力，好累，好想有個依靠，不想堅強，不要想。也許真的是我想多了，但只要一天還不知道結果，只要未來的路還未知怎走，我又要以什麼心態解釋自己是多心了？我做不到，真的做不到。說我小心眼也好，說我懦弱也罷。其實我從來都不怎覺得自己很堅強，只是被逼獨立而已。如今才能真正知道，自己是弱的。我害怕，害怕看不見的未來，害怕錯過，害怕後悔，害怕孤單。

寫著寫著，思路都亂了，都不知道我在寫啥。我只知道，此刻的我，完全開心不起來。

#98: Counting My Blessings

Spending the first day of the new year counting my blessings for 2016. On the global front, 2016 is nothing to brag about and people are happy it’s gone, and signifies better things to come. But on a personal note, 2016 was a year of firsts, and I’m happy with what I’ve done thus far. There are also ones that I wish could be forgotten, but 經一事長一智 right? Even mistakes go a long way. Regardless, I will keep the first post of the year a happy one, full of memories that I am glad for.

#1 First time competing in new sports

IHG this year had me playing my old favourite – netball, as well as handball and volleyball. Didn’t exactly compete in volleyball, and was clueless in handball yet still competed. But I’m super grateful for the opportunity to learn new things, and the fact that KE isn’t hard up on sports really made it a much more friendly environment to be stupid/clumsy and make mistakes.

#2 First time on an OCIP trip

I have absolutely no regrets agreeing to interview to join OCIP Laos (in part to give face to my OGL/OHL). It was an experience that I really enjoyed, in terms of independence and maturity. And also brings me to #3.

#3 First plunge into the water (or anywhere for that matter) from height

I’m deathly afraid of jumping from heights (despite my height) and I swore my knees were knocking. And plus I’m not actually a great swimmer. So the moment I took off from the tree branch, I was cursing myself for even attempting it. The minute I hit the water, it was so goshdarned painful, it took all my effort to get myself to the bank. Normally I’ve this very “I got it” vibe (that’s what I think, in order to explain many circumstances in my life), so there was practically no one to ensure I was alive after the plunge, whereas the other girls had guys who would assist them…HAHA considering I couldn’t swim fantastic, that was quite dangerous.

#4 First drive to Malaysia

Already mentioned it before, but still stoked.

#5 First time volunteering with the elderly

It’s a programme under NUS CSC called L-derly Befrienders. I never saw myself connecting with the old folks because I’m quite the awkward turtle myself. But so far so good, and I find it much more meaningful than I imagined.

#6 First time volunteering with children

Andddddd at the same time I’m tutoring this primary school kid. First time I’m tutoring someone who’s a stranger so there’s a tiny bit of stress but since I’m doing it pro bono, not as bad.

#7 First time acting in an excerpt of a play (or rather, first time acting in anything that’s not a presentation skit)

This one was pretty LEGIT because we had a paying audience, LEGIT set and light designs…it’s a LEGIT production. There was a director, who is a senior under the tutelage of a LEGIT director. It was so LEGIT that I was so pressurised because I had completely no idea what the heck I was doing, and was so close to chickening out. Complained to everyone I knew because I was going nuts. But at the end of it all, I was quite glad I took up the challenge I deemed as CRAZY. Learnt a lot and experienced a lot.

#8 First (two) time(s) getting an A+

I really don’t mean to brag but I worked my butt off for the second A+ and I was pleasantly surprised to see it on my transcript.

#9 First time designing something

Was asked by my cyber friend to help design some prizes for a fan gathering. Quite a cool experience, though my designs…could have been better. Teehee.

#10 First time bringing my grandparents (on my own!) to their medical appointments

Makes me feel so grown up hehe. 

#96: Growing Up, Growing Old

We grow up every day. We grow old every day. It’s such a gradual process, we almost don’t see the changes until we hit a certain landmark and decide to look back and reminisce.

Today wasn’t any important anniversary or birthday, but today was the day I really felt that I’ve grown up so much.

I’ve gotten my driving license for more than a year, and have since removed my probation plate so that my cousin can use since he just got his license. Removing the plate didn’t change anything, I just had one less thing on the windscreen. But since then, I’ve done 2 things with the car I’m proud of.

One, my first drive to Malaysia to visit relatives. The first 4 hour drive I did (with just 2 pit stops for toilet break and ice cream) and I was so relieved when I reached my destination. And I felt incredibly satisfied with myself, having driven on the somewhat notorious North South highway, famed for reckless driving (as with many other highways in many countries actually, including ours) at faster speeds than what I’m used to in Singapore.

Two, I am now officially part of the chauffeur club in my extended family. Because all my uncles including my dad weren’t free today, I was tasked to drive my grandpa to the hospital for his checkup (I already drove grandma before actually but that was with the P plate). So I brought my dad to work, dropped him off, went back home to catch forty winks, then drove to my grandpa’s place. And now I’ve driven him back after the checkup, gone home, and currently I’m about to pick my dad up from work.

It’s crazy. The role reversal is crazy, I mean. My dad used to be the one that drove me to school, and sometimes back when I have CCA. He drove me to many of my activities because he thought public transport was inconvenient and I have always been grateful to him.

When I was a lot younger, I used to stay with my grandparents. They were the ones who brought me to cut my hair, to my kindergarten, to the market, to the playground. And now, I’m at the age where I can bring them to the hospital.

I used to be a kid no taller than their waist, and now, I’m at least a head taller.

I used to be a kid who went to them for answers, who asked “why?” at every turn.

I used to be a kid who cried when I lost at a board game.

I’m no longer that kid. I can care for them now. I can bring them to work, to medical appointments, to sightsee. I can help them read expiry labels and teach them to use the smartphone.

Even though I’m no longer that kid, I still learn a lot from their life experiences and their stories. From their mistakes and their lessons. From what they did right.

People grow up and people grow old. It’s almost scary how fast this process actually is when you take some time to think about it. As much as I never want my parents and grandparents to age, aging is inevitable. And therefore, I must make use of this ever-depleting time left to care for them, and for them to know I care.

#94: Power

Pretty sure I’ve seen this before once upon a time…but now that I stumble upon this again, I somehow feel so much more.

Damn those onion-slicing ninjas.