#98: Counting My Blessings

Spending the first day of the new year counting my blessings for 2016. On the global front, 2016 is nothing to brag about and people are happy it’s gone, and signifies better things to come. But on a personal note, 2016 was a year of firsts, and I’m happy with what I’ve done thus far. There are also ones that I wish could be forgotten, but 經一事長一智 right? Even mistakes go a long way. Regardless, I will keep the first post of the year a happy one, full of memories that I am glad for.

#1 First time competing in new sports

IHG this year had me playing my old favourite – netball, as well as handball and volleyball. Didn’t exactly compete in volleyball, and was clueless in handball yet still competed. But I’m super grateful for the opportunity to learn new things, and the fact that KE isn’t hard up on sports really made it a much more friendly environment to be stupid/clumsy and make mistakes.

#2 First time on an OCIP trip

I have absolutely no regrets agreeing to interview to join OCIP Laos (in part to give face to my OGL/OHL). It was an experience that I really enjoyed, in terms of independence and maturity. And also brings me to #3.

#3 First plunge into the water (or anywhere for that matter) from height

I’m deathly afraid of jumping from heights (despite my height) and I swore my knees were knocking. And plus I’m not actually a great swimmer. So the moment I took off from the tree branch, I was cursing myself for even attempting it. The minute I hit the water, it was so goshdarned painful, it took all my effort to get myself to the bank. Normally I’ve this very “I got it” vibe (that’s what I think, in order to explain many circumstances in my life), so there was practically no one to ensure I was alive after the plunge, whereas the other girls had guys who would assist them…HAHA considering I couldn’t swim fantastic, that was quite dangerous.

#4 First drive to Malaysia

Already mentioned it before, but still stoked.

#5 First time volunteering with the elderly

It’s a programme under NUS CSC called L-derly Befrienders. I never saw myself connecting with the old folks because I’m quite the awkward turtle myself. But so far so good, and I find it much more meaningful than I imagined.

#6 First time volunteering with children

Andddddd at the same time I’m tutoring this primary school kid. First time I’m tutoring someone who’s a stranger so there’s a tiny bit of stress but since I’m doing it pro bono, not as bad.

#7 First time acting in an excerpt of a play (or rather, first time acting in anything that’s not a presentation skit)

This one was pretty LEGIT because we had a paying audience, LEGIT set and light designs…it’s a LEGIT production. There was a director, who is a senior under the tutelage of a LEGIT director. It was so LEGIT that I was so pressurised because I had completely no idea what the heck I was doing, and was so close to chickening out. Complained to everyone I knew because I was going nuts. But at the end of it all, I was quite glad I took up the challenge I deemed as CRAZY. Learnt a lot and experienced a lot.

#8 First (two) time(s) getting an A+

I really don’t mean to brag but I worked my butt off for the second A+ and I was pleasantly surprised to see it on my transcript.

#9 First time designing something

Was asked by my cyber friend to help design some prizes for a fan gathering. Quite a cool experience, though my designs…could have been better. Teehee.

#10 First time bringing my grandparents (on my own!) to their medical appointments

Makes me feel so grown up hehe. 

#85

Had the strangest dream in quite a while that consisted of a netball post that somehow found it’s way into my grandparents’ flat (??) and I was totally engrossed in a shooting practice like it was normal.

I guess I love and miss this sport too much for it to be even remotely normal. And IHG netball hasn’t even been that long ago. How am I gonna survive after I leave hall and… HORROR!! No more netball?! 😦

#83: IHG Netball

It was semis today and I played so badly, I’ve absolutely no excuse for anything that I did wrong. I just feel really bad for my teammates who fought so hard on court, because every other ball brought down to the semi D was wasted with me not catching it. Of course, we trained really little for this year’s IHG but even then, I feel like I should have done better.

After the game, coach said that it was because of my mental strength, that I don’t have that ability to want the ball so bad and challenge hard for it. Thinking about it, it’s really true. MP said the same thing before. The only time when that problem was finally resolved was in A’div 14, because we needed every point so badly with one player less than the opponents on court. That’s the only time I actually felt that I played well.

I need to get that mentality right. With next to no training, this is all I can control.

IHG netball has ended. The next time I touch netball, it’ll probably be IFG. Hope I become a better teammate and a better player then.

But seriously, I really like this IHG team a lot. Everyone’s just so nice and friendly – a joy to be with. It’s really one of the best things about hall life.

#82: Just…burden

Feeling extremely upset today. I kind of know why, but don’t exactly know why. Maybe because I’m used to competitive sport, and I’ve always been more or less quite an internally competitive person. It just sucked really badly today that I felt like such a burden on court and I know I couldn’t really put in my best because of the state of physical fatigue I’m experiencing.

Haven’t been doing any physical training at all for months, and all of a sudden playing 3 days straight of sports just isn’t something my body is cut out for. I mean, I’ve always known that I wasn’t the ‘sporty’ kind, but this is just really pushing my limits.

Regardless, I barely played today, and all the time I sat outside court, I just kept wondering what I haven’t done enough to reach the standard that they want. I attended way more training than I ever imagined because I thought I needed it. Now in retrospect, I should have quit from the beginning. It’s too late now for that, and I’ll just have to grit my teeth and get through it.

Maybe because they think I’m nonchalant, since I keep laughing during training and all. But I seriously try, and I can swear I do. I’m just not good enough, and I’ll surrender to that.

The biggest problem is that I feel like a huge ass burden just by being on court, and would rather be sitting outside than be in there to pull the team down. It’s a conflicted feeling…I want to prove that I can do well, and yet there’s my nagging subconscious that tells me I can’t.

The next is probably because I just don’t feel for the game. Volleyball doesn’t affect me the way netball does, where I just feel the blood pumping through my body and where I actually want the ball so bad I’ll fight tooth and nail till I get it. And even if I don’t get it, I’ll fight just as hard the next time the ball is in my vicinity. I want to do that for vball, but my body just doesn’t react fast enough for the kind of balls that need to be received in vball. It’s so different from netball that is almost frustrating to be on court.

I don’t know, but it’s upsetting and I really feel like I should have just given up long ago instead of pushing on like this and going nowhere.