And with failure comes success.

It’s undeniable that we lost the game, and in fact we just gave the whole thing away. It’s a fact, like it or not, we can only accept it this way. Nothing we do is gonna change it. Even if we bawl our eyes out.

The only thing left on our agenda before we draw a full stop to this episode, is to play our last game.

Play not like how we have in previous games, where we screwed up – passes going haywire, not catching, not running or not doing anything. THIS TIME, we play like we know it. We play our own game.

I remember how we all started out. For CDIV10, we started out like a bunch of overactive kids dashing about. Stepping, contact, obstruction – everything. I bet half the world thought we’re not gonna make it, since the team is so new, so raw. What did we do to prove them all wrong?

For CDIV11, you guys started out probably almost the same as us. Many people thought you guys couldn’t do it, and you proved to all of us that we were so wrong.

Then I would ask: What happened this time round?

That aside, everything is already fixed. Time we dry our tears, pick ourselves up, and play that last game like we’ve never before. Now it’s a different ball game altogether. Nothing else matters anymore, we’ve got nothing to lose. It’s us and the ball. All we want now, is to keep our heads high when we step on court, and step out with our heads high as well. Give it our best and last shot.

It’s regrettable we made this whole seasons so short. This is probably our worst ever. We all have a part of the blame to take. And I emphasise WE ALL. No one in this team is a sole musketeer. We are a team. RVNB.

I’m most sorry to our coach. Seeing her fight harder than we had was heart wrenching. When we lost our focus and gave up on court, I saw her face of desperation and her words of exasperation, it was the most paining thing ever. We really let her down. The best we can do now, is again to take the last game, take it like the team in which she believed in. Tell her and let her know that we are grateful to all that she has done for us.

BDIV12, you guys are a great bunch of people. We’ve been through so much together, rain or shine. Now that it has come to this, let’s enjoy our last game as BDIV12 together. Year3s, you guys have another year of BDIV next year, treasure it, and make it better than this year. I believe that all of us know and trust that you guys will put in your best, and get back that title for us. Year4s, I know some of you might not be continuing, but that ain’t anything. We’re still CDIV10 no matter what, and we can still be that crazy group of 10, and we can still eat-all-we-can.

I treasure the memories I have with you guys, and I really love this team a lot, and I’ll remember all of you. I will miss this team definitely, miss all the times where we cry together, when we laugh together, when we scold people together, our team hugs, our one-of-a-kind mini whooshes. We’ve come a long way, and it’s time to close this chapter with a beautiful ending.

Just remember, what makes a team is not what they achieve. What makes a team is when no man acts like an island.

Why? It’s such a broad question, and that explains my trouble.

Why is it like that? Why can’t I get it right? Why does it always turn out like this? Why am I making myself unhappy?

Why am I doing all these?

Why don’t my efforts ever pay off?

Between tears and anger, I chose the latter, only to realise that the 2, were somehow complements of each other.

I recall in previous posts, or maybe tweets, I have talked about judging – about judging people before they even start on anything. Think about it.

My heart is as big or small as everyone else’s. It’s just the size of one clenched fist. It’s a powerful organ, but fragile it is, like everyone else’s.

I told myself this pressure is nothing compared to what I’m going to experience in times to come.

I told myself it is nothing, just ignore it, clench my fists, and just finish this up. Wrap it up. And I’ll be done with it.

I told myself I could do it.

I told myself to not give up.

Maybe I’ve told myself for too long.

My sis sent me this, and I think it’s so true.

I asked myself, have I made the wrong decison? I knew it myself that I wasn’t cut out for this. I wasn’t born to do this. And the time has come for me to let go.

Somewhere else there’s that piece of blue sky just for me. Everyone has one. This place is not for me. This part of the sky doesn’t bear my name – it’s not for me.

Once upon a time, I thought efforts could pay for everything I lacked – talent and just the genes. Now I know for one, that I was wrong.

As much as effort is important, talent is just something that everyone needs to survive.

Because of this ordeal, I failed to discover my talents, my interests. Up to now, I’ve zero idea what I’m good in.

I don’t want to be just good at studying. (Actually I ain’t that good either.) I don’t want to be remembered as the tall black dark shadow. I don’t want to lose myself in this rat race.

For a long time, I had the hardest cry yesterday. Desperation was probably written on my face. This experience has utterly broken me down like how enzymes would to their substrates. Before this decision, I haven’t cried in 2 years. After, there’s bound to be minimum once per year.

All these thoughts raced through my mind in the shortest time ever. An essay was immediately written in my mind, though this is not the exact duplicate of it.

There was never a feeling this strong – the feeling of just ending it once and for all.

All good things come to an end. I had my good times, though less than the bad, and it’s time to let go. Let go of things that I dearly held on for my life. Let go of what has occupied my mind for the past 3 years.

It’s going to be tough. It’s not going to be that easy. But for me now, giving up is better than pushing on.

1. B’div11! Love this bunch of people like crazy, went through much together and after all those tough training and murderous scoldings, our efforts finally paid off when we emerged champions, in our own hearts. Words can’t describe what we went through. Love all of you! <3

2. 3D! Haha maybe ‘cos having been in a solemn class for 2 years, having a lively and fun class like 3D is like crossing into a new dimension! All the strange and abrupt laughter – probably the best representation of us!

3. Life kinda boring and not memorable, I sort of can’t remember anything else to write…hmm… VIETNAM(SAPA) TRIP! I honestly love it ‘cos it probes me to think about the differences, the similarities, and how lucky we are to be living in this bliss. Really an eye-opener and heart-wrencher.

4. LOL REALLY LOL AT THIS Movies I’m a total frog in a well when it comes to movies, but this year I definitely watched more movies than past years. 一泡而红 was one movie I really enjoyed. Super funny, original and simple, yet it does trigger a bit of thought when certain things happen in the movie. (but I’ve forgotten the last bit which meant the most ) Quality of TV dramas this year is… pooh! Disgusting! Entertainment time for me, thankfully, was taken up by lots of other work and commitment and rubbish, so I was spared of the agony. Certain dramas were really good though, special mention to WaWa Production, it spiced up my otherwise really mundane life

5. Trying to squeeze the 5th point in, because 5 sounds more like a round number than 4 This year, I managed to see who my friends were, and whose lives are like straight lines of different gradient to mine, just touching once and not again. When  someone actually listens to what I said, remembers it, and says it back to me again, it’s something that I would never expect, but does a lot to keep me going.

Today is the last day of 2011. It is a closure of a brilliant chapter, and the beginning of a new exciting adventure. 2012 would be a new year, a new experience.

We took a junk cruise to sail along the bay. There were 2 levels – one being the area where we ate our lunch, and one being the upper deck which is an open area. I love the upper deck. With the sea breeze blowing in my face, and mountains surrounding us, having to put up with my hair flying everywhere was worth it. We got off at a few points, and for one of them, we took a sampan to reach areas where the bigger junk cruise can’t go into. That experience was definitely quite fun. For every inch that I moved, the boat rocks violently. But I feel that those caves we went into using the sampan were much overrated. Anyway, pictures! Just 9, not much

The scenery was beautiful, and some of the mountains were special – like there was one with a rock at the top which looked like a cat, and also two big rocks which look like a hen and rooster fighting over an egg (and for that matter a duck egg). I particularly love the bottom right picture because the waters look very clear. But when we went deeper, the waters were unexpectedly dirtier. Having seen the waters in Tioman, I have been looking forward to going deeper out into the sea to see another crystal clear sea. For that fact, I think Halong Bay was disappointing, because their waters were quite green. But it may be because of the algae on the mountains as well

I’m done with Halong Bay, next up would be Sapa.

The pictures are abit small…bear with it

The first row of pictures are actually a statue of a phoenix riding atop a turtle, symbolising longevity and prosperity if I don’t recall wrongly. Quite cute. The rest of the 5 pictures are also taken at the same place, a temple in Hanoi where people pay respects to Confucius. It used to be a school, but now it is only used for prize giving ceremonies. What I find most interesting is the bottom left picture. Have you noticed the resemblance of the picture in the money note and the real infrastructure?

Hanoi wasn’t really that interesting for me, maybe because our tour guide was slack (he missed out a few things on the itinerary, though I never really knew what’s on it, I was told by my mum), or maybe because there are five elderly people so we definitely have to think about them – they don’t have as strong bodies as we younger ones do. I still noticed a few things in Hanoi, of which some are pointed out by the tour guide.

One, the traffic in Hanoi leaves me with only one word to describe – SCARY. Maybe because the traffic here has always be rather orderly. There, the traffic lights are (rather) redundant. Why do I say that? In many places, the traffic lights are there for no purpose at all. Cars and motorcycles beat the red light all the time, so much so that the green man coming on is not as sign for pedestrains to cross. It really fits the chinese saying: 马路如虎口 – it is extremely hard to cross the road. To take the first step out is as heart-racing as the last minute in a match. Motorcycles dominate that place, and they weave through the roads -  I mean literally. And on top of that, the roads in Hanoi are very narrow, so you can imagine that if a satellite image was taken, what a mess it would look. On special moments where the traffic lights are abided by, that has to be a picture moment:

Two, the houses are ‘slim’, or just plain thin. This is because land prices are high in Hanoi. Yes, people buy land instead of the houses there. They buy the land, and build their own houses. Since land prices are high, so they buy a small plot of land, and build a taller house – maybe three to four storeys. And this is the catch – they climb all the way up. It sounds like nothing, but when I see the steps some of them have, I can imagine the number of falls I might have to suffer a day. It is slim too. Half my foot would fit nicely on the step. And considering how tired I feel after climbing up the stairs everyday to my class, I think living in those houses would be a real chore for me.

I think this is all for the Hanoi segment…next up would be Halong Bay!

Honestly, people don’t know what’s good for them. For once I actually understand how our behind-the-scenes men feel. I refer to a broad scope of people. It can be teachers, it can be real backstage crew, it can be cleaners, it can be volunteers, and the list goes on. But from their point of view, I see something I don’t usually see. We take things for granted – too much for our own good. Sometimes, as we are in front and we don’t tend to see certain things, we actually do come across as unreasonable troublemakers. And it’s true. We really are.

Have we ever spared a thought for others? Really, we think we are al-mighty, but how wrong can we ever be? We’re far from that. We are petty people, who are selfish too, and are only able think about ourselves. Don’t shake your head at this first, I’m not referring to everyone. “We” is just a general term. But really, sit back and look back, and think. We all have seen circumstances where people don’t understand from where we come from, our intentions, our goodwill. They only know how to malign us, accuse us. Actually, we have probably been such people in their lives as well.

Today, something similar to this happened to me, and it really struck a chord within me. I’ve never felt so much for this, but from the behind-the-scenes men point of view, I really thought hard. We see all this, because we are not in front. What if I were the one demanding? Would I demand the same as well? Would I think differently, or would I act the same? Would I have actually considered certain things?

Come to think of it, there are a lot of things, I haven’t done enough.

Or like the purpose of my existence on court is to make people’s blood boil, to cause blood pressure to shoot through the roof, or to make people vomit blood.

Boy, I screwed up like a pro. Like I was born to do it, and like it was my TALENT.

And the whole time there I wanted to murder myself.

I can’t say I didn’t want to change or improve, because I did, I tried, and maybe, probably, really, seriously, apparently, it just wasn’t enough. And words can’t describe how much I wanted to disappear then. Immediately, instantly, at the speed of light.

And since then, everything still hasn’t gone back, and gone right.

They say when life throws you a lemon, make lemonade out of it. I’ve got a huge, enormous, gigantic, dino-sized lemon right now in my way.

But what if the lemonade just ain’t sweet enough to make things go your way?

At the end of the day, what I really wanna do, what I really love to do, I have zero idea. As much as goals seem to pop out of nowhere in life, they tend to disappear faster than expected.

I, once, wanted to be a teacher. Then seeing how a teacher’s life can be so terrible because of horrifying students like us, that thought was fast gone.

For a long time, I had no goals. I knew what I like, but I don’t really know what I want. I liked history. I liked geography. I liked astronomy. But it was too early to tell. In 3 years, I hated geography. I stopped reading astronomy. And I’m dying in history.

Then I wanted to be a forensic scientist. God knows why. Maybe I watched the Hong Kong CID dramas and admired the forensic scientists in them? But nah, TV is more often than not fake. I’m too gullible to believe that those guys on TV knew what they were doing. They probably add coloured water. LOL. We never know. But forensics seemed to be a nice interesting thing to do. Minus all the dead bodies and stench. That thought is still in my head, but god knows if this little wish might come true?

Now a doctor. LOL. But this is probably gonna be dashed, because yours truly is not a biology person. My memory fails me every now and then, so if I really succeed as a doctor, then I would say taking the risk would be my best gamble in life.

Looking at each other now, I can’t think of how we would be in, say, 10 years? What jobs would we all get? What would we all do? Would we still be friends? These are the kind of questions that can only be answered in years to come. Unless I decide my next dream job is a fortune teller. Then I better not be some quack fortune teller and talk nonsense.

As people, the furthest we see is the near future. For some, 5 years. Some, 1 year. Some, 6 months. Some, 1 months. Others even a week. Well, I feel, those who are able to look far, would succeed in life. But those who choose to only look near would be happiest in life. Because they literally, live today, like there’s no tomorrow.

No one wants to leave with regrets. Or live with regrets. We all want to, before we all die, to fulfill our dreams. Or our bucket list. Before-we-kick-the-bucket list. (Which reminds me there’s this nice movie called “The Bucket List”) Humans are all scared of death. Or not? Now I say, I’m not afraid of death, but when death’s at my doorstep, I’m afraid I can’t say so.

besides, you can’t really expect things to fall from the sky. you have to fight for your chances, fight for that change. but before even starting to chase after your chances, why not stop to think what you really want it for, what you really like, and why do you want it?